My Promise to the InterWebs

Over a year ago, I started a message board (http://militaryissuedlove.net) to try to help support our Troops and those that they leave behind when they go to war. (The reason this started is for a whole nother post but I’ll be sharing that with you all soon, too.) When this happened, I made a promise to be an open book to my internet family. This can be seen on my Facebook, Twitter and the message board, too. I share everything – big and small, easy and hard, relevant and non. Sometimes it takes me a little longer to share the bigger or more stressful things in my life, but I do (after taking a step back or getting some “perspective”) eventually share them, no matter who hates it This has been a reason for many to delete me from Facebook and for others to talk nasty about me. I’m a sensitive person, so when I found out that my “friends” fell into both of these categories, I was hurt and almost decided to stop sharing my life completely. (Sad, friendship had that much power over me.) In putting so much of my life on the internet for others to see and share, I opened an opportunity for others to hurt me and the worse part is that they were able to use the things I shared with them to make sure the cut was deep on at least 3 different occasions. When my “best friend(s)” called me “crazy” for being open and sharing so many thoughts, my heart was broken and my feelings were more than hurt. However, I sat there reading my reply to them and the replies of the many people that said they enjoyed my honesty and reading what I had to share and came across 3 messages in which these people said my openness had changed their lives. At that moment, I decided that it was more important to be ME, no matter how obnoxious that might be, and in turn, share who ME is with everyone that mattes to me. Not to mention, those were MY thoughts and that was MY page and the people that could read it were supposed to be MY friends. Those people aren’t going to shut me down. They’d already shut me out and I wasn’t going to let them affect me in any other way – except for making a good writing topic and giving me the motivation to keep being me and to continue to help others. It has been those people who have motivated me to do better and do more my whole life. It’s those people who made me realize that I was going to do everything I ever dreamt of in life and with that was going to reach out and help as many people as I can. On the days when they make me feel less than good, I just remember that I live everyday to help others, while they are only living to hurt others.

So, with this blog, this is my promise to you. (Or warning, depending on whether you’re one of those that hates my constant status updates and sharing of information that you never would or if you’re one of those that like me for being me and showing the rest of you who “me” is, even if I don’t know who that is sometimes.) My promise will be to share my feelings, emotions, experiences, thoughts, beliefs, ideas, goals, destinations and the journey to those destinations. I want to show all that read this who I am and how and why I am who I am. I will share the things that matter to me and the things I’m passionate about with you, no matter how raw my feelings are or how they might upset others. I will share the lessons I learned or didn’t learn or should’ve learned. I’m going to do my best to share me – my faith, my hopes and my dreams. That is my promise to you.

So excited about helping more people!

Recently, I added Jennye, my BFFE/soulmate 4 life, as a moderator to http://militaryissuedlove.net. This weekend, I went and visited her and we talked in length about turning the message board into a website to be used as a resource for military families. My hope is that if we don't have the information someone is looking for, we can at least point them to exactly where they can find it.

Tonight, I have been looking up different options for us to begin the process. In the meantime, Jennye and I will be pulling all of our resources and getting all of our information together to be displayed on the site. I am so excited about the many different types of information and experiences we will have to help out as many military families and supporters as we possibly can. I've always enjoyed making websites and making the best out of my little corner in the internet world. Now, my hope is that my little corner can reach other corners across the world :)

By the way, this is an FYI post but I'd be happy to read any suggestions, ideas or expertise you may have for me to share!

7 randoms about me.

1. The only time I don't enjoy working is if it means I'm going to miss time at home with my husband and our 2 dogs. Otherwise, I love it.

2. Netflix is by far the best invention since television itself. Eric & I have watched MANY seasons of our MOST FAVORITE shows ever because of it. (Lost, Dexter, NipTuck, Veronica Mars, Grey's Anatomy, Gangland, Bones, Lie to Me, etc.) It has replaced cable.

3. I want to be covered in tattoos. Unfortunately, for whatever job I will have in the future that won't exactly work, but I'd kill for the money to complete my foot and start and finish a sleeve on my arm. I would tattoo random things I love: the state of TX, the Longhorns, Konji symbols for Faith & Family (already have friendship), a tattoo for my mom, maybe my wedding anniversary, my dad's dates near my butterfly kisses, etc.)

4. I notice every pretty woman/girl I pass. I don't look at them and think "Oh, I think I'll leave my husband for her!" But I do think "WOW! She's very pretty!" Sometimes I even go as far to think "She's freakin' hot!" There was a time I would've been too nervous to admit that as growing up I was so manly, or at least people had me convinced that I was, that I was scared people would automatically think I'm a lesbian. Not that there is anything wrong with lesbians, but I'm not one..

5. I'm obsessed with my iPhone. I do everything on it that it will allow me too. Including using the message board app to access MilitaryIssuedLove.net.

6. I like music - not always because of the sound, but more often because of the lyrics.

7. People tell me how strong I am everyday. And almost everytime, I don't believe them. Sometimes, I roll my eyes. Not because of them, but because I often feel that if they only knew what I deal with, how I deal with it and the thoughts in my head, that they would for sure think otherwise.

MilitaryIssuedLove.Net

OK, I haven't posted on here about my baby - so here's the post. I started MilitaryIssuedLove.net over a year ago when I had a "problem" or two on another message board. Many people believe I was and am a much uglier person than I could ever dream of being, and with that believed I would set out to hurt a pregnant woman and her unborn child which were already dealing with complications and a number of other things on top of that. Due to this, problems got worse and I was eventually booted - along with a few other members, who are quite the "posse," by the way. You never know who your TRUE friends are until you're kicked off a message board ;)

So I started the board. It started out as just a place for all of us and a few others to find support since we were no longer welcome on that board, but it turned into something so incredibly different. First and foremost, it became a place for all of us to congregate, to get together, as if we were in the same building, all sitting in the same room, getting to know each other and loving and supporting each other in every way we can. Second, it became a place and maybe even, technically, an "organization," in which I could use to reach out and help people while supporting them in everyway that I (we) could and touching their lives the way the members of MIL•net and other military supporters have touched mine.. Third, it became a pay it forward type movement for me. So many people have attempted to help me through my journey with the military, both as a possible member and as a spouse. If I can connect those people with other people who have done the same, maybe they can help each other and maybe I can help them, too. In doing such, it's allowed for everyone whose helped me to find help that they may sometimes need. It's kind of a vicious cycle, when I'm not in the middle of things trying to help others, they're trying to help me - no matter how often I try to avoid their help :) It's become a place where I can bring together the many people who support our Troops more than the average patriot and allow them to work closely with organizations such as Bubba's Belly Run, the American Widow Project, Flat Daddies, the VA, etc.

MiL•net is a place for those who support the men and women of our armed forces to find support for themselves. It's a place where we stop becoming strangers over the internet, and we become best friends and family. It's a place where we understand how scary not receiving one phone call, text, message, email, letter, or receiving a knock on the door unexpectedly can be. It's a place where we know what it's like to live by instant messengers and in way too close proximity to that cell phone attached to your hand. It's where we understand what not to say to a deployed spouse or family member. It's where we understand that sometimes it's important to just not talk about ANYTHING military related, and just pretend like it's a life you don't live for just a moment.. We understand.

http://militaryissuedlove.net

"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed & degraded state of moral & patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature & has no chance of being free unless made & kept so by the exertions of better men than himself."

Stink at Blogging

So, when I originally started this blog, I was going to do it anonymously, as that way I could be as open with the internet world as I possibly could without fear of someone knowing it was me or coming into my life later and causing trouble because they "knew" about me from those posts. I then changed my mind as it is hard to believe stories about an anonymous woman, and even harder to get emotionally invested in her life. However, at that moment in time, I decided to be as open and honest as I could with the internet world, a world in which many of my best friends seem to reside. I'm thankful my honesty and openness has been accepted in the way that it has by most. That's not to say that I haven't had some consequences, too, though, for the record.

Anyway, once I made that decision, I started posting open and honestly on Facebook, which left me no time (or reason, really) to "blog." I'm naturally a long winded person, so even my status updates are the max of 420 characters! That's a miniblog in itself! :) However, I have spent the last few weeks "following" people I would like to get to know, know more about, read about, or share things with and with that, I will try to blog more often.

At the time I started this, I was having a very rough time as an Army wife, as my husband seemed to be having a rough time as a husband. I wanted to paint a portrait for the rest of the world, a real, true and honest portrait of what it was REALLY like behind the uniform and the "I belong to a soldier" shirts. I wanted to show people by experiences and life lessons that just because we endure deployments, distance due to training, up and moving and changing our lives at any given second, worrying everyday if my husband will come home from work or not or if that guy in the nicely pressed uniform will be knocking at my door, etc. doesn't mean things are perfect or that we don't struggle with and through the love. Just because we are forced to feel all of those emotions, including anger and fear and worry, which are emotions that often lead to passion, even when not intended or wanted, does not mean that we have somehow learned to appreciate each other so much that we get to live happily ever after without having a fight - ever. The reality is, for many of us, we have to deal with the extra fighting on top of the deployments, the emotions with the military life and trying to keep our lives and families together. It's hard. Life was so bad for me back then that I had hoped to post everyday about the on goings within my marriage and what I was dealing with as the wife of a soldier, who I would diagnose with PTSD anyday, even without my MD. This was my plan and this was going to be my "journal/diary" of sorts. However, life changed for us, we figured it out, we made it work, we were happy and we fell in love all over again and I no longer needed to get all of those feelings, emotions, thoughts and experiences out. There were no bad moments to share with the world, and let's face, it's much harder to share the good as you are often so caught up in the moment, the last thing you think about is posting it on the internet for a bunch of people who will read it and think "UGH, GAG ME!"

We have since completed our 2nd deployment as a married couple (his 3rd) and life is sometimes, back to those dark days I wanted to tell you all about. We are working on getting past them and as we do, as we conquer this set of hard times, I hope to share my stories and experiences with you - the good, the bad, and the in between. If there's days where I forget and you're wondering what's going on with me, don't be scared to remind me that I've got a job to do - to let the world know about my life :)

PS. You can find me on Facebook by name Rhandi M Elliott Conley

Life without a Father..

16 years without a father leaves time for a lot of thinkin'..

Was I one of those that was abandoned? Was I one of those that's father didn't seem to care if I existed? Was I one of those that was put through the torture of knowing my father COULD be a part of my life but simply didn't?

No.

I was 6 and had never loved someone more. My father was what I saw, what I knew, all I wanted. At 22, not much have that has changed. He's not what I see or know anymore, but he's definitely what I wish I could have. Somehow, someway.

He was taken from me in cold blood.

In an instance of - I don't even know, was it hatred? revenge? revenge for what though? jealousy? envy? I don't even know, but in an instance of something, some thoughtless, selfish man took the ground from under my feet. Some thoughtless, selfish man took my mother's only true love away from her, physically. In an instance of something, some thoughtless, selfish man took my brother's only role model, his only real chance at this life, it seems. Some thoughtless, selfish man tore my family apart, and turned our world's upside down.

And for what? For his own agenda, in which no one is very sure of. Was he scared? Jealous? Intimidated? What? It's something we will probably never know, but somebody wanted it that way. Somebody wanted Charlie gone, and in turn, they made sure I would never know what it was like to have a father, not that I could remember completely anyway. They made sure my mother wouldn't get to have the man she married anymore. They made sure my brother wouldn't have a man in his life to show him how a REAL man lives. They made sure my grandparents wouldn't get to see their very special son anymore. Was that the reason they soon passed too? They made sure my aunt didn't have a real brother she could count on in the haze of unstable environment around her. 

Did they know all of this? Did they consider it? Did they care?

No, I don't think so. But these selfish, thoughtless people will never know how much of an impact they had on all of our lives. They changed mine forever. They took away something from me that I can never get back. It's become something I can only imagine. Something I can only dream of and hope that it doesn't happen to others.

Do you know what it's like to be so young and not know why this had to happen to you? My friends mom's got child support when their dads left. Why didn't mine? Wasn't I worth something? What was my value?

Can you really put a price on not having a dad around? [I guess that's a completely different post for a completely different time.] 

I could go into so many different blogs about the effect this had on my life. Every time a man is killed, not only is a life, or a few in our case, taken but that murderer can be taking away a father, a brother, a son, an uncle, a husband, or overall, everything in someones life. The trials and tribulations my mother and family had to face after this incident is incredible and unfortunate. No one should have to live through the pain and suffering that I, as a 6 year old until forever, had to or that my mother, as a wife and mother of the "perfect family" turned into a single mother who lost the love of her life, had to. 

Every time you hurt someone just remember that chances are that person isn't the only person you're hurting. When you effect them, they effect others. Whether you put them in a bad mood which turns them to yelling at someone else, or whether you take them from a family that more than deserved to feel their love and affection day in and day out, you effect more than them. So before your selfish tendencies take over, before you think your thoughts and ideas are the only one that matters, remember that the effect you have on the world can be much bigger than you'll ever know - good or bad. You choose.

What Am I doing here??

Well, I'm here to share. I told a good friend that at first, I wanted to write blogs, but I wanted to do them privately, that way there was no reason for me to hold back. Everything I posted would be raw and real and without a doubt, there would be no secrets. But then I thought about it. I want to get to share who I am with you, whoever "you" is. Of course, "you" being YOU, whoever is reading this. I want you to be able to walk away from this and know something about me because with that I feel that you will be able to relate to me more, and be able to feel what I feel, even if it seems so far fetched.

I know that what made me realize that the little girl with big dreams was still inside of me was feeling thru someone else's senses. Feeling what someone else was going through made me realize that that little girl is still here, and she will forever be inside of me. The only thing to worry about now is unlocking myself and letting her out for the world to see in hopes that someone else will feel what I felt and have faith in their own dreams.

What will I write about? You got it. Feelings and emotions :) A lil' of this, a lil' of that. I like so many things in life including sports, politics, school, books, people, music, television, movies, and just life, in general. I've said it a million times already but I feel passionately and with that, I think the best things in life are emotions and feelings. The way you feel when you have a first crush, go on your first date, when you love for the first time. The way it feels when you fight, the way it feels when your heart is broken for the first time, and the way it feels your life is over when that love disappears. Or the way it feels when your heart feels put back together because of love, the way it feels when you meet the love of your life and know in that instance, and the way it feels when you get married. And is there more than just love? Absolutely. The way it feels when you get a paycheck for the first time [and everytime after that], the way you feel when you obtain or lose a job, the way you feel when you win a game, the way you feel with your friends and family, and the way it feels when you hold a deep conversation with someone who means the world to you or a complete stranger. The way it feels when you lose someone you love, the way it feels when you meet someone you love. The way it feels to be close, and the way it feels to be far apart.

The best and worst feelings in the world are the best to share. Why? Because they're real. I'm thankful that I can be happy, be sad, feel great, feel hurt, manic, and depressed. Without being able to feel sad, I'm not sure I could truly feel happy. Without feeling hurt, I couldn't feel great. Without feeling bad, I couldn't feel a live. And without feeling my worst, I couldn't feel my best. With that, without heartbreak, would love really feel so amazing? Without loss, would gain be so great? Without enemies, would friends and families rock so much?