Life without a Father..

16 years without a father leaves time for a lot of thinkin'..

Was I one of those that was abandoned? Was I one of those that's father didn't seem to care if I existed? Was I one of those that was put through the torture of knowing my father COULD be a part of my life but simply didn't?

No.

I was 6 and had never loved someone more. My father was what I saw, what I knew, all I wanted. At 22, not much have that has changed. He's not what I see or know anymore, but he's definitely what I wish I could have. Somehow, someway.

He was taken from me in cold blood.

In an instance of - I don't even know, was it hatred? revenge? revenge for what though? jealousy? envy? I don't even know, but in an instance of something, some thoughtless, selfish man took the ground from under my feet. Some thoughtless, selfish man took my mother's only true love away from her, physically. In an instance of something, some thoughtless, selfish man took my brother's only role model, his only real chance at this life, it seems. Some thoughtless, selfish man tore my family apart, and turned our world's upside down.

And for what? For his own agenda, in which no one is very sure of. Was he scared? Jealous? Intimidated? What? It's something we will probably never know, but somebody wanted it that way. Somebody wanted Charlie gone, and in turn, they made sure I would never know what it was like to have a father, not that I could remember completely anyway. They made sure my mother wouldn't get to have the man she married anymore. They made sure my brother wouldn't have a man in his life to show him how a REAL man lives. They made sure my grandparents wouldn't get to see their very special son anymore. Was that the reason they soon passed too? They made sure my aunt didn't have a real brother she could count on in the haze of unstable environment around her. 

Did they know all of this? Did they consider it? Did they care?

No, I don't think so. But these selfish, thoughtless people will never know how much of an impact they had on all of our lives. They changed mine forever. They took away something from me that I can never get back. It's become something I can only imagine. Something I can only dream of and hope that it doesn't happen to others.

Do you know what it's like to be so young and not know why this had to happen to you? My friends mom's got child support when their dads left. Why didn't mine? Wasn't I worth something? What was my value?

Can you really put a price on not having a dad around? [I guess that's a completely different post for a completely different time.] 

I could go into so many different blogs about the effect this had on my life. Every time a man is killed, not only is a life, or a few in our case, taken but that murderer can be taking away a father, a brother, a son, an uncle, a husband, or overall, everything in someones life. The trials and tribulations my mother and family had to face after this incident is incredible and unfortunate. No one should have to live through the pain and suffering that I, as a 6 year old until forever, had to or that my mother, as a wife and mother of the "perfect family" turned into a single mother who lost the love of her life, had to. 

Every time you hurt someone just remember that chances are that person isn't the only person you're hurting. When you effect them, they effect others. Whether you put them in a bad mood which turns them to yelling at someone else, or whether you take them from a family that more than deserved to feel their love and affection day in and day out, you effect more than them. So before your selfish tendencies take over, before you think your thoughts and ideas are the only one that matters, remember that the effect you have on the world can be much bigger than you'll ever know - good or bad. You choose.